


Break Softly

by OnyourRadar



Series: Neighborhood Watch Series [3]
Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: AU, Angst, Eliott POV, Love, M/M, Neighborhood Watch Series, Self-Harm, There's gonna be more Lucas and Eliott interaction. I love you guys, Yeah Eliott's Reflecting, very briefly mentioned - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2020-09-06 11:54:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20291032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnyourRadar/pseuds/OnyourRadar
Summary: The attention causes something to blossom in his chest. He can’t pinpoint what but he doesn’t deny liking the sensation, a scorching that lights up the pit of his stomach. Their interaction lasts no more than a  mere minute but as he moves past the two his body moving up the winding stairs he hears a laughter that, he thinks, he wants to hear when it is aimed at him.And he is willing to do anything to make that happen.--or--Eliott reminisces about the people in his life that has helped shape who he has become.





	1. Learning To

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoy! Eliott POV. Will be a two shot with the next part longer than this. But for now enjoy the 3,500 words I've given you. Please read the beginning of this series before reading this one. It really helps piece it together. Although it can stand alone. Also this is barely edited so I apologize.

> Break softly  
So I may put you back together  
I’ll form the pieces from memory  
In hopes it’ll only get better  
Break softly  
Or I’ll be consumed by fear  
That part of you I’ll miss  
The one that held me near  
Break softly my love  
So I may break with you

**1\. Lucille: An emptiness that fills**

There's a path that he walks--often overlapping with the layout of his mental state--when the mood strikes him. Eliott doesn’t know the name of the place. The road or streets that his feet steps on. But he walks with a destination in mind on most days. Right before his eyes the scene unfurls and he is absolutely captured by the greenery that surrounds him, large branches and thickets of trees that hid him away from the biting sun. He has his path memorized. Eliott thinks, perhaps where he walks, he is stepping on the shadows left behind by those who’ve come before him, those who also sought out a peace that is rarely found. 

Eliott is cold when he lies down on the compote, all brittle leaves and dirt and a pulse of life that runs down the lengths of his bare arms. He breathes deep to prove his feelings aren’t dead, that they aren’t gone like he is led to believe. He sits for hours to simply think and simply allow himself to feel without that bitter sense of judgement by those who are meant to care. He finds himself on his good days and when it’s bad he gets lost and doesn’t want to be seen. Here, in the comforting embrace of nature and away from the pressures of unexpected expectations, Eliott learns a little bit about himself each time. 

He is a learner at heart. An observer and a sponge. He absorbs everything around him and he knows that is exactly why he feels so much. He equates everything he comes to know to those he surrounds or surrounded himself with. Eliott bites his tongue and his eyes grow sharp, looking for something in the depth of the leaves that hang so high above him, when his mind draws up the images that has taught him how to laugh easily. The one to help him find his smile, that smile of his that forms quickly yet falls so effortlessly.

If he lets himself drift, to be swept away by the breeze that fills the dead air above his stationary form he is reminded of the force that was Lucille who he is unable to shake, even now. And he doesn’t want to shake that love he has for her. Because he has so much to thank her for. 

Eliott met Lucille when they were both kids. Curiosity struck him when his ears picked up the rumbling of a moving truck that came barreling down his one way street. He remembered thinking it was a storm that was about to break apart the clouds that floated on by above him. He wasn’t so far off. Standing on the small jutting edge of the wooden fence that boxed him, Eliott all gangly arms and long legs, watched intently with an eagerness pumping through his veins. 

When their gazes met, her eyes a beautiful green and his a wash of grey, Eliott thought his heart would jump up his throat and out his mouth. He would spew love in her direction when she introduced herself in an airy voice, holding picked and wilted rose buds, as Lucille. 

Her name rolled off his tongue yet stuck so intently for nights to come like cotton; a softness that clings and a formidable opponent to his developing youth. A storm indeed. A friendship that was unlike any other he had. She became a steady presence in his life so quickly, Eliott often ponders if it happened so fast that neither one of them had a chance to grow properly. Was it him that left her stunted by the weight he brought down on both of them. 

She flooded his senses, smiled so sweetly at him, laughter reserved simply for his nights where the sounds echoed in the hollows of his head and chest as he lay in bed. Eliott matched her one for one. And where he thrived under her support he quickly learned he was not what she needed. 

Where his feet met pavement and his stride grew Lucille remained rooted. Stuck. Like an extension of the ground beneath her feet she stopped growing eventually. 

“You don’t know how to love. You’re empty of feelings, Eliott.” She casted a long, dim, and hazy screen over what they had. A bitterness bleeds into who she was and who she becomes. He struggles to keep upright as she morphes from a well-structured shelter, a protection she once provided, into a dilapidated frame, barely capable of holding herself up. He took the blame for years. A self destructive choice that no one should have ever asked him to do. 

One thing he learns that he holds onto so tightly, is that she is wrong. Eliott’s mind is never troubled by an emptiness because it is never empty. He feels so much but he is capable of letting go, not to ever be bitter over someone. Because of this he was told he should consider himself one of the lucky ones. When loving became a job, a presupposed notion of what their time together was meant to be, Eliott felt confined. Caged in such a way that cuts into him and he can’t separate what he felt for her and the pain that devours. So he lets her go in hopes that she could hit the pavement running. In hopes that she would find her own way and discover the one that would help her cultivate her perfect storm. 

When he lets her go, his fingers opens up and where his fingers bend at the joints, the wisps of what she gave him remains. He lets the rest of her slip through the gaps. He breathes easy. 

**2\. Idriss: Breaking the Exterior. **

Eliott looks up and over the ledge of the balcony, eyes zooming then narrowing as his focus shifts from the sidewalk to the railing that his fingers grip. It's a four story drop from where he stands. A community porch of the place he currently calls home. It has nothing on the height in his memories. 

Twinkles of the past come and fade quickly when he thinks of the ten stories of an apartment building that Eliott came to love and hate. The highrise reveals the height that he learns to be comfortable with; a height that he can’t separate from the four walls of yellow, beige, a reddish hue, and the smell of cardamom, cloves, and cinnamon wafting through the air. The cramped apartment building that was his second home. It connects in his memory with a full belly, laughter and games, soccer played in the street around a crowd of cars. A height that brings to the forefront of his mind, a certain face. When Eliott thinks of Idriss he can’t separate his face from that of Imane’s. And when he thinks of Imane he thinks of pitiful looks, sly excuses to leave the company of her brother and his friends. Trying her best to provide a privacy that would eventually amount to nothing. 

His friendship with Imane is different from his friendship with Idriss. He smiles in passing at Idriss’s little sister all those years that he visits. A friendship built on kept secrets and whispers of _“don’t waste your time, Eliott.”_ She teaches him to hold his heart close and build it a cage. Her advice falls useless when he fails to do so.

Idriss is the opposite of his sister. All boisterous laugh and pats on the back. He is the center of attention, the middle of a circle, and Eliott thinks that is exactly where he should always be. A natural place where he can be himself, breathing, in his element. His friendship with Idriss is simply that. A friendship. One that teaches him that he might feel too much too quick. Idriss teaches him to laugh and make sure it echoes. For it to resonate for others to hear. Idriss teaches him to be his own person and not to be okay with love given with conditions. To never settle. 

His years spent over at the Bakhellal’s has hardened Eliott. Allowed him to build up an exterior that doesn’t shatter quickly at hurtful words or rejection but rather, to grow from it. 

“You are a work of art, you know that?” He said this with a lift of his lips. All shining eyes and laughter that tinted his words when they were younger. 

No he didn’t know that. But he was told it on rare occasions. The fleeting comments of strangers on the street as he walks by. The empty whispers and awe in such statement rarely ever stayed with Eliott the same way Idriss’ comments did. The way he would play his friend's words over and over again in his head until he exhausted himself in his dreamlike state. 

A work of art. 

“How so? what piece of art am I?” Eliott found himself asking, a tilt to his head. He wanted to know exactly how the other saw him. What image has he built for those chocolate eyes to look at, to what depth did Eliott penetrate that dark and stimulated mind. 

Idriss sat with his legs crossed like a pretzel and his back curved as his arms extend towards the canvas in front of him, fingers stained a myriad of colors as he gripped a paint can. He paused before Eliott, kept eye contact and Eliott saw his brain working. Coming up with the right words to spell out what he saw. 

“A cathedral. The old ones that hold a history we can’t understand.” Daunting. A fierce and imposing structure that stands on its own, he states.

Eliott laughed, tipping his head back. “A useless kind of beautiful.” 

Idriss’ breath stopped and hands continued to hover. His canvas that would normally hold an abstract image was incomplete. Unfinished. His smile dropped and his eyes sharpen as they gaze at Eliott.

“Actually, the opposite. Beautiful and complicated in its construction.” Where everything in the structure serves a purpose regardless of how big or small the composition. A hardened exterior that weathers the storm with the utmost grace. A hollowed interior that allows for all actions to resonate with meaning. Idriss continues, he explains his choice in a way far more concrete than he is used to. Idriss deals with the abstract. He lives and breathes the coverted comments and a lifestyle that keeps others guessing. So when he states so easily, the way he sees Eliott, Eliott ducks his head and he is engrossed in counting the individual blades of grass that poke up between the spaces his fingers leave. He forgets he is counting when he gets to fifty. 

“A place of worship, Eliott. Despite your faith, when you enter one, you feel the urge to lay down your respects. Nothing useless about it.” His smile was back on and the hissing of the paint can filled the silence between them.

Eliott fell in love with his friend months after they met. He quickly abandons his feelings when he comes to learn that it is one way. That there is no fruit to bare with his efforts. Useless like Imane tells him when she happens to catch him staring longingly. But when Idriss says things like this, Eliott’s heart thumps quickly, he curled his body to hide from view, and he is reminded of why he loves Idriss so much. His thoughts try to convince him that Idriss feels love for him as well. The rational part of his brain tells him, yes. Idriss loves him. But there are so many different types of love. 

And Eliott is grateful to be taught that he is loveable. He just needs to accept that everyone loves differently. He can live with that. When Idriss suggests they move into together, along with Sofiane, Eliott agreed without a second thought. He still has so much to experience with Idriss and so much to learn. 

**3\. Sofiane: Laugh Easy. Be gentle to yourself. Make every smile count.**

Most days Eliott finds it easy to wake up and go about his day with a smile on his face. He holds himself up with a quiet strength. On some days though, Eliott finds it so hard to keep his eyes open, his thoughts swirl and a darkness settles over him. He watches life through lidded eyes, a storm brewing inside him and he struggles to push through the cobwebs, to block out the voices that whisper and echo inside him. They steal his light and his will. And all he feels is an anger that he directs at himself, sitting at the bottom of his stomach. The pressure constant. He loses his sense of time and Eliott easily starts to hate. 

He becomes overwhelmed and wants a simple moment of reprieve so he directs the heat at anyone who steps into his line of fire. The first time it happens, his mother is at a loss of words as she stared at him feeling useless. Three days of missed school and he refused to get up out of bed. Frustration brought tears to her eyes as he looked on unable to express the low he was feeling or what brought it on. 

She brought him to the doctors for tests, medication, for an answer. When she gets all those she broke down at the kitchen table sobbing. He stood and watched her, apprehensive by the door. 

He wondered why she acted as if his life was ending when he felt like his life was just beginning. Eliott does accept the help of those around him when he avoids the effects of the medication. Because the help was given freely. When it is not, he avoids reaching out. 

He remembers when Lucille starts to mother him and treat him like a chore. He hated that more than feeling his low. Back then, Eliott rarely felt that anyone was capable of _understanding_ his highs and lows. He felt that he was crazy for his thoughts, crazy for his feelings. Second guessing everything. But then he meets Sofiane. He meets Sofiane before he meets Idriss. The summer before Eliott starts high school he volunteers for community service at a rec center for underprivileged kids. He is immediately drawn to the curly haired youth who smiles wide and laughs softly in the face of adversity. 

Sofiane was a welcoming force that was genuine, Eliott had to stop himself from thinking that there was an ulterior motive each time the shorter boy spoke to him. He learns quickly that if there was anyone who could understand his plight, it was Sofiane. Sofiane teaches him that if there is one person that could understand and connect with Eliott then there was bound to be others. 

Eliott was satisfied with one for the time being. 

When Sofiane turned thirteen, the rec center threw him a party. Eliott creates a beautiful poster that celebrates him. He laughs and dances with the music until news reaches him that his mother took her life that afternoon. 

Eliott doesn’t see him for the rest of the day. That night his mother tells him that Sofiane called and asked him to attend the funeral. Eliott dresses in black because he isn’t sure what he is supposed to wear. The crowd is small and the casket closed. Sofiane stood next to his father, eyes red-rimmed and downcast. He shows respect during the rituals and keeps his eyes and ears open. 

Three days later Sofiane is at the rec center, Eliott surprised to see him so soon. It wasn’t until later in the day when Eliott sits underneath the protective shade of a tree and Sofiane lies with his body in the grass, picking gently at the blades that they speak for the first time in three days. 

Eliott keeps silent until the other is ready because he knows how important it is to never push. 

“She suffered from depression.” His voice is scratchy. A sign of lack of use. Eliott wonders if this was the first time he has spoken since the news was delivered. 

“She used to get so sad...I’d find her crying in the bathroom and she would be bleeding but I don’t think I understood it until now.” Eliott swallows a lump that forms in his throat. 

“You know, she hated how confined she was and my father...my father tried to understand but I don’t think he ever could.” Sofiane grows quiet his fingers moving to wipe away the tears that fell. 

“I know it doesn’t seem like it but I know she loves me. She _loved_ me so much that she couldn’t keep lying to herself because it wouldn’t be fair to me.” Eliott closes his eyes against Sofiane’s voice as it cracks from the pure sadness. 

“Why...why are you smiling when you’re hurting.” The question is out before he can stop it. Before he even realizes it. Eliott wants to tell him he doesn’t need to be strong right now. That he is allowed to break and cry and scream in anger. That three days of mourning was not enough considering what he has just lost. He wonders how the other is capable of even mustering up the energy to smile in the face of such pain. 

Sofiane isn’t angry at him though. Instead Eliott watches as Sofiane lifts his chin high in the breeze the sunlight dancing across the tanned cheeks. A splash of light that was well needed. His curly hair ruffles gently as a breeze dances on by. His eyes traced the patterns in the air that only he can see. 

"She used to tell me how much she loved my smile. How it would brighten her day whenever I smiled or laughed at her."

It was so heartbreakingly beautiful.

"I only wish I did it more often now." Now that he no longer has the opportunity to. " I want to hate myself for it, but ...don't you think life's too short to hate yourself for something you can no longer control?" Sofiane directs the question at Eliott and yes, he thinks Sofiane is right. 

Eliott hates himself until he is capable to stop and think about his feelings. And in his moments of clarity, Eliott does his best to make every smile count. 

**4\. Lucas: to feel complete when the pieces are missing. **

When Eliott takes the stairs, he bounds up them taking two or three at a time, his destination the only thing in his mind. He slows his pace when he hears the giggles and the heaving breaths. Eliott sees first his neighbor standing in the middle of the stairs grin wide as sweat drips down his forehead. At the bottom of the flight is a shorter brunette, his hair wild, frame a skinny that borders on concerning. A queen bed between them.

Eliott stops just enough so he doesn’t bump into him but he stands close. When the other boy turns his head just the slightest moving over so that he stands to the side, providing Eliott enough room to continue his trek, Eliott catches sight of an angled chin and clear blue eyes. 

He could feel them travel the length of his body and if Eliott hadn’t had the time to develop the confidence in himself throughout the years, he might’ve found himself blushing from the scrutiny. 

The attention causes something to blossom in his chest. He can’t pinpoint what but he doesn’t deny liking the sensation, a scorching that lights up the pit of his stomach. Their interaction lasts no more than a mere minute but as he moves past the two, his body moving up the winding stairs he hears a laughter that, he thinks, he wants to hear when it is aimed at him. 

And he is willing to do anything to make that happen.


	2. Hold Me Close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliott has seen many people cry before. Completely break in front of him. When faced with the potential of Lucas being so utterly ruined, Eliott is scared. Because he never wanted that to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Mightttt be it for the Neighborhood Watch Series....

“How do you know you’re in love?” 

Eliott asks Idriss this one day. One day when he finds that every step he takes feels odd and makes like he is floating. When Eliott runs a hand through his own hair and feels every strand part perfectly under his ministrations he thinks it’s a strange feeling. Like everything was going right and nothing could go wrong. He asks him for the answer but truthfully he doesn't expect one.

He thinks maybe love is making things go a certain way. A way he was not so used to but he wants to hold onto. 

So when he asks his question with the innocence of the world on his shoulders, Idriss looks over at Eliott. Stops in his stride, all long legs paused in mid-step, surprise written into the lines of his face. Eliott spins in place, walks backwards, feet hitting pavement and leaving Idriss behind him. His smile is wide and his eyes are half moon slits. 

He likes the jump of shock that defines Idriss momentarily. He doesn’t think he’s ever really seen Idriss at a loss for words. It doesn’t last long before Idriss schools his face, smirk lifting the corner of lips and he picks up the act of walking, recovering. 

“Barking up the wrong tree for answers there, Eliott.” 

Eliott snorts a laugh. 

“Bachelor for life?” 

Idriss nods. “My heart's too big. With so much love to give, how could I settle for one.” 

Eliott shrugs. That’s how he always looked at things. Looked at how he could just simply love and give a little bit of himself to every lover, every crush, and every person that he deemed worthy. 

It felt wrong to give it all to one because he never thought there would be a person that could hold his gaze so perfectly that he forgets what it's like to wander. Eliott never, in his wildest fantasies, considered the prospect of just one who could command his heart to swell to whatever beat was the whim of the moment. 

But there was and he met him and called him neighbor. That boy with the wild hair, the smile that held so many secrets, blue eyes that shine brightly with a veiled sadness. That boy who stood with a firmness that spoke of resilience. 

(Eliott brushed up against him on his ascension of the stairs that were wide enough for three to pass without even the slightest touch. )

_Lucas._ Lucas who lends him food and ingredients at all hours of the night and wasn't angry-well, that angry-- for having eaten weed cookies without knowing. Lucas who, so innocently bent at the waist with hands clasped in his mothers and spoke with confidence:

_"Mama, this is Eliott...my_ boyfriend." 

(Eliott swore he heard Lucas' heart hammering in his chest that day because there was no way it was his that caused the flush to creep up his face. )

Lucas. Lucas. Lucas who smiled so serenely at his mother. Quietly laced their hands together and gave Eliott a taste of love and taught him that perfection was the smooth glide of fingers slotting in an intricate weave. 

"Does shit taste like sugar?"

Eliott startles from his reverie and scrunches his nose at the words. Vulgar and yet effective. Eliott has to think. He eats healthier now with Lucas. Really, he eats anything Lucas cooks, even if he hated it before.

Eliott nods and when Idriss bends at the waist laughing, large fingers splayed across his stomach as if holding on to something. His sanity perhaps. 

"And you find your thoughts to be occupied by one brain cell? Incapable of really functioning.” 

Eliott rolls his eyes and stops walking waiting the two seconds it takes for Idriss to pass by him and whacks his friend on the arm. 

“I don’t go stupid.”

Idriss tilts his head and raises his brow.

“_You _don’t go stupid?” 

Okay. He goes stupid. So stupidly drunk on the feeling that Lucas carries with him everywhere. That air about the shorter boy carries less oxygen apparently, because Eliott finds that his brain short circuits whenever Lucas is around. 

All he has been thinking about is the curve of his baby’s smile, the dimples of his cheeks, the arch of his brows, his wild wild hair. Eliott thinks of every little minute detail in great _detail_. When he isn’t thinking of said boy and his heart stopping great personality, Eliott is philosophically asking his bitch of a friend how one is to know if they are in love. 

“Does it hurt?” 

Eliott scoffs to himself but shoots Idriss a side look. 

“Does what hurt?”

Idriss shrugs. “Does it hurt just from not being near him. Do you feel a yearning that you can’t seem to shake even when you’re with that person? Like...its enough but it’s not because you know there’s still so much to discover about him that you are constantly yearning for everything they can offer.”

Everything they can offer. Like how Lucas inhales just the slightest before taking a bite of his food. Or how he blows on his cereal like it’s hot but in truth it’s simply habit. Like how he has 20/20 vision but he squints to read the small font on the back of books. Or how, when he leaves the apartment he turns the knob three times and kicks the door twice just to be sure everything is locked and locked and locked. At night, he sleeps with one arm thrown over his eyes and ankles crossed. 

The first time Eliott sees this, he thinks, _‘heathen’_, he’d make a cuddler out of him yet. And he has. Only now, it’s Eliott’s shoulders or arms that act as a shield for Lucas’ eyes. And they lay with their ankles entwined. 

Eliott nods his head and Idriss nods in kind. 

“Yeah...I think you’re in love Eliott.”

Eliott wonders if Idriss has ever been in love. He seems to know so much. 

“We should hurry up. Sofiane can’t take care of the boys by himself.” 

Eliott concurs. He speeds up his pace, matching Idriss’. They reach the apartment in no time, climbing stairs, the feet hitting the landings the only echoing sounds. When they enter the apartment the smell of weed hits them like a wall of bricks. A deep bass strums the air like an unseen instrument but the sight that greets them causes Idriss to smile wide, predatory like. 

Eliott feels his head swim from the atmosphere alone and falls in love just a little more. One thing he wasn’t expecting about falling in love was how it was constantly happening. That it wasn’t a one time thing and that it simply stayed once it happened. 

It was a constant affair. Where he fell once and the next moment, Lucas would do something and Eliott would fall deeper. Like right now. Lucas is spread out on the floor, on hand resting gently on his stomach while the other is held up, suspended and his eyes trace their outline. Lucas doesn’t move at the sound of the two of them entering the apartment. 

Eliott’s at a point he can’t get out now for how far he’s fallen. He doesn’t mind. He walks into the apartment with all the confidence of someone in love. Someone who embraces the fact and wouldn’t trade it for the answers to the universe. Because as far as Eliott is concerned Lucas was the answer to the universe, or at least his universe. 

“Someone couldn’t wait to get the party started, I see.” 

Idriss approaches Sofiane and Alex, the latter holding out a blunt to share. Sofiane sits back, eyes bright and unclouded. Eliott greets his smile with one of his own before walking and sitting on the floor near Lucas’ head. 

He bends to drop an upside down kiss and is greeted with eager lips and a dry mouth. He chuckles into it and when he pulls away Eliott is simply struck by the luck he has. That he gets to be the person Lucas directs such a gaze to. 

“Hey.”

“How do you feel?” Lucas has smoked only a handful of times since getting together with Eliott. Naturally quiet, Lucas gets even more introspective when he smokes. Despite this, Lucas has said a number of times, how much he enjoys doing it with Eliott and his friends present. 

That there is a calm that only they could bring. 

Lucas nods his head in affirmation. Affirmation of what, Eliott isn’t sure but he accepts it as an answer to his question. When the blunt gets to him Eliott takes two long hits, holding the smoke before bending and sharing it with Lucas who, still lying on the ground, lifts his chin and opens his mouth to receive the smoke. 

He feels the effects settle his bones and he lets the rest of the day pace itself. Eliott enjoys the simple company, baths in Lucas’ light by lying down beside him and resting his head on his baby’s thighs. When Lucas starts playing with his hair Eliott hums with contentment. 

“Will you come with me to visit Mama, tomorrow?” 

The question sounds so unsure and Eliott just wants to erase it from Lucas’ tone. He’s visited Mama Lallemant a total of 4 times now. Each time, he sat back and watched as Lucas interacted with her. LIstened as Lucas told her stories of all the happenings outside the facility. Sometimes while Lucas sat brushing her hair, Eliott would get up, run and grab lunch for the three of them without being asked to. 

Mama Lallemant would smile over at him on occasion and mouth a watery_ ‘thank you’_ to which Eliott wouldn’t know how to respond. Because he didn’t think he was doing anything special. He was simply loving Lucas but Lucas made that easy for those around him. 

The last time they visited Mama Lallemant slept the entire time. The doctors had reassured Lucas that it was the new medication she was on. That there was nothing to worry about. Because she wasn’t dying. Lucas was skeptical. 

Eliott did his best to ease his worry that night. Holding him, arms wound tightly around his shoulders, legs entangled and pressed tightly together from hips, knees, ankles. 

This time wouldn’t be any different. Of course he would go. 

“Always.” He knows that’s the right answer when Lucas beams at him. “What time are you thinking?” 

They settle for 10 o’clock on a Sunday. 

He looks forward to it. Looks forward to any time spent with Lucas who stares at him with love liquified. Lucas he lets the softest smile write itself on his lips. 

Eliott hasn’t said it out loud. Too scared to utter the words because he’s not sure he’ll say it right. Because he can’t simply say, _“I love you” _when what he feels is not that simple. Eliott says _“I love you”_ to his mother, to Sofiane and Idriss. He doesn’t say it to Lucas because he’s not sure love is enough describe what he feels for the other boy. 

They’ve been together now, since that whole fiasco with the kissing and the running away and the coffee comment–_You don’t own a coffee marker, Lucas_– for five months now. After the first day together Eliott was ready to hide Lucas from the world and keep him for himself. He doesn’t mind if he is the first to tell the other what he feels. 

Eliott knows, from their actions with one another, they both feel it. He’s just ready to say it. Eliott resolves that tomorrow he would do his best to show and tell Lucas how he really feels. Everything would go perfectly. 

*

Everything goes wrong. They wake far later than intended and the two rush in to get ready for their visit. Moving around the apartment in synchronization, a hustle and bustle that is loud enough to wake his roommates. Eliott feels a tingle of guilt when Sofiane walks into the kitchen looking disheveled at 9:30 on a Sunday morning. Too early for the other on his day off. 

Sofiane waves of his look of consternation, reassuring the other that it was fine. 

“I’d leave though before Idriss wakes from all the noise. He’s not as forgiving as I.” 

To which Eliott pushes Lucas out the door, promising to buy the younger a blueberry muffin for breakfast. He keeps to his promise but they’re late for they’re meeting. Lucas doesn’t quite pout but there’s a dip and a frown that stains his face and Eliott only wants to erase it. 

It gets worse. 

When they finally arrive, Eliott holds Lucas back in the corner of the room as the nurses try their best to calm Mama Lallement during an episode. Lucas doesn’t say anything but his mouth hangs open and his eyes look too wet for Eliott’s liking. This happened once before and only lasted 5 minutes. Considering they missed the majority of it. This time was different. 

“Lucas, maybe it’s best if you come back after you’re mother has calmed?” 

Lucas shakes his head. He doesn't want to leave when it feels like his mother needed him now more than ever. Eliott stands strong for the both of them. 

“That’s okay, we’ll stay until things calm down.” They can hear her shouting at the nurse, swinging her frail arms. Not willing to let them close to her. 

“If you insist.” Eliott and Lucas both nods. 

It goes on for ten minutes before things settle and suddenly the visit feels like it’s supposed to feel. Mama Lallemant apologizes and Lucas shakes his head resolutely. 

“You have nothing to apologize for!” The frown is back and he’s angry that she even felt the need to apologize. Eliott does what he does best and sits in an empty chair in the corner. 

The conversation picks up and Lucas tells his mother about his days, how he just helped Manon perfect a recipe for a new caramel delight cupcake that will be put on the menu.. He promises her, he’d bring one once they start selling. 

They laugh at inside jokes, they talk about everything under the low ceiling of a mental facility and Eliott can’t control the swell of love that consumes his entire being. 

At one point Lucas crawls into bed with his mother hugging her as she dozes slightly. He hugs her and still, at 18 Lucas is stands shorter than the gangly form of his mother. Eliott watches as Lucas shifts slightly and his hair tickles his mother’s nose. A small smile broke out on her lips and her eyes open, hazy. 

Blue eyes, unlike Lucas’ own, look down at the tuft of hair and Eliott couldn’t have predicted what was to come out of her mouth. If he could’ve, Eliott would have done anything in his power to stop it from slipping. 

“W..who are you?” 

Eliott sees it in real time. The way Lucas stiffens and he pulls away far enough so he can sit up. She states it again, this time with a bit of fear bleeding into her words. 

“Who are you?” 

Everything Lucas says after this is irrational. He doesn’t scream but he repeats over and over,

“You know. You know. _You know._” 

And of course she knows, but her mind doesn’t anymore. Eliott is pull Lucas off the bed in a matter of seconds. 

“Lucas, baby calm down.” Lucas doesn’t hear him and all Eliott can do is call in the nurse and tell them what happened. Lucas isn’t crying but there is a stare off between him and his confused mother. 

The nurse simply sighs and tells Lucas what he doesn’t want to hear. 

She’s getting worse. These episodes, the forgetting. It’s going to continue and develop until she can’t recognize anyone. 

“This is going to be a difficult time for you knowing this...” 

There is only so much the new medication can do. It’s not healing her, it’s prolonging the inevitable. 

“It’s probably best you leave and come back another day. If you’d like we can call you when she’s having a good day.” Lucas doesn’t say anything but he walks out of the room nonetheless. 

She doesn’t recognize him the entire time it takes for him to cross the room and walk out the door. Something Lucas takes note of and Eliott is sure it breaks him completely. 

Eliott follows after him. The bus ride is silent and Lucas stares ahead, lost in his empty thoughts. Eliott is afraid to reach out for his hands. He’s afraid that Lucas would shake him off, so he stands back and let’s Lucas ride this wave of uncertainty. 

He doesn’t stop when they get to the apartment and when Lucas enters Eliott’s apartment and heads for his room Eliott stands on the threshold, Sofiane and Idriss looking at him with concern in their eyes from the kitchen island. 

“Everything okay?”

Eliott stutters but can’t find an answer. Because, no. Everything was not okay. Everything was wrong and Eliott didn’t know how to fix it. He was supposed to say I love you. He doesn’t think he can because it wouldn’t make things better. 

“Is he okay?”

Eliott shakes his head. He’s about to say something when Lucas comes out of the room carrying some of his stuff. 

“I...I just need sometime by myself. I’ll be back.” 

Eliott steps to the side so Lucas can pass and it feels like his heart would jump out of his chest to follow the other out the door. 

Eliott feels like crumbling. He doesn’t though. How can he be strong for Lucas if he lets himself break. Even softly as it may. 

“Dude, what happened?” 

“Don’t let him just go Eliott, _chase _after him.”

Idriss and Sofiane look at each other and urge Eliott to follow after Lucas. So he does. He walked briskly down the hall, doesn’t knock but opens the door that he is sure is unlocked, and sure enough it is. 

“Hey Eliott! Is everything…” Eliott doesn’t wait for the question be finished, he doesn’t answer, instead he throws open Lucas’ door and finds Lucas sitting up on his bed hands clutching at his chest, eyes very wet and face paled. 

He doesn’t acknowledge his presence in the slightest and Eliott doesn’t think he even noticed that Eliott was there. 

“Lucas...baby.” The wail that rips its way out from Lucas complete shatters Eliott and he is over on the bed quicker than he thought possible. 

His arms extend and pulls Lucas close so his head rests on Eliott’s chest. Eliott can feel the shaking, the sputter of his breath as he tries his hardest to breathe. 

“Lucas, follow me baby. In and out.” He pulls back and his hands cup at Lucas’ cheeks, noting how those blue eyes were glazed, unseeing, bouncing back and forth between Eliott and nothing. 

“Focus on me baby. Look at me. Just _look_ at me.” Eliott tries to present a picture of calm, a model for Lucas to follow. But his heart thumps just as quickly in his own chest because he doesn’t know if he’s doing this right. He doesn’t know if he’s helping or hurting lucas more. His fingers brush away at the large tear drops that flow easy, down the curve Lucas’ cheeks. He wants it to _stop._

“...h-hurts…” 

“I know. Iknow. Baby. Just breathe.”_ In and out_. In and out. He knows. He knows. He _knows. _

Eliott does his best to stop the shaking, to stop Lucas’ world from spinning out of control. When he feels Lucas blindly throw his arms around his neck and squeeze tight, Eliott feels the relief flood him. With each hiccup and smack of lips as Lucas sobs, Eliott feels a calm because Lucas is more centered now. He breathes normal and he is focused on breaking down versus being focused on nothing and everything at the same time. 

Eliott hugs Lucas close. He feels some stray tears escape and he shudders at the adrenaline leaving him behind, his steam running away from him as he holds onto Lucas. 

Eliott has seen many people cry before. Completely break in front of him. When faced with the potential of Lucas being so utterly ruined, Eliott is scared. Because he never wanted that to happen. What scares him is that he doesn’t know how to ever stop this from happening again. Because it’s only going to get worse from here on out. He knows this. 

“I..I love you so much.”

Eliott freezes when he hears the small shaky voice speak up. Lucas had his head resting between Eliott’s chin and forehead pressed securely against Eliott’s neck. 

“What?”

Lucas shakes his head. 

“Lucas, baby what did you say?” 

Lucas shakes his head. 

“No, no, no. You have to say it again. Baby, tell me what you said.” 

When Lucas pulls away, eyes rimmed red, and nose running, color on his cheeks, Eliott pulls away slightly, allowing Lucas’ arms to slip from his neck so that he may take his hands into his own. 

Eliott weaves their fingers together. 

“I...I said I love you. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you here...with me through this.” Lucas gestures to the air around him, face scrunching up for another wave of crying. Because he is still hurt and sad and so thoroughly broken. 

Eliott shakes his head and surges forward, hands releasing Lucas’ to reach and grab at his face. He leans in quickly to steal a salty kiss; lips molding together perfectly. 

When he pulls back, Eliott peppers Lucas’ face. He wants Lucas to feel his love completely. 

“I’m so mad right now. I was supposed to say it first.” 

Lucas lets out a watery chuckle. 

“We’ll do this together. You and me.” You’ll never have to do this alone. When they break, inevitable, they’ll do it softly so that the other might put them back together, however possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment for what you think. Or just to say hi? I'm curious who is still out there?

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I did a mean thing and ended Lucas' part early. ON PURPOSE. 
> 
> Leave a comment. Leave Kudos. Leave your kids. Leave your pets. I'll take care of the pets. Not the Kids.  
TELL. ME. WHAT. YOU. THINK. Did I do Eliott justice in this part? Did I fail!!!....I love you guys!


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